Work & DID

I'm locked inside my silent prison again.  Comments and events experienced in the last fortnight are swirling around me like dead leaves in a gale until they turn into tiny knives that cut through freshly healed scars.

I had just begun to feel okay about work again, after going back after sick leave to diminished hours and (I think) responsibilities. I'd found some peace , but then a job opportunity raises it's head; a promotion, a chance to show them that I'm capable of more than the 'diminished role' I currently have. Only my manager immediately says I'm not suitable.

She's wrong. I know she's wrong because she hasn't taken the time to know my full work history, instead has looked at my time with the company and come to  her conclusions. At first I slinked back to my place, tail between my legs, chastened and embarrassed. I was going to let it go by but then I changed my mind. They had asked someone else to apply for it -someone I know has less experience than me - and that gave me the courage to fight back to put myself on the table. And it worked! She listened and put me forward to be shortlisted.

Now I'm waiting to see if they will interview me, give me a chance and the discussions, the events of the last fortnight are swirling with ever increasing force inside me cutting me down to size, reminding me that the world is no friend of people with DID, so why would this job opportunity come my way. Sometimes i think I'm paranoid, assuming everyone is against me, but just as often I have alters to the fore that have an inflated view of our abilities and expect everyone to agree that I am very capable and skilled. The abilities exist sure enough but so do the other alters, the ones that go into melt down because my IBS is so bad and it triggers memories they'd rather forget. That's the other half of my fortnight, a week of pain and fear because my body is failing to cope with the emotional stress of therapy and raking through the past.  Can those alters cope with a more demanding job? More hours? More pressure? And how the hell do i make the decision???

I don't know. But I do know that I want that job. I'm laying my heart on the line. Is this what 'normal' life is like? Sometimes i seem to feel so much less than other people but at other times I feel so much more. It's exhausting.

I should find out on Friday if I have an interview and I don't know how I'm going to stand it if i don't - so fingers and toes are crossed, everything is crossed!