Another week another place in my personality that needs attention . For what ever reason 'attaching to my therapist' has become a big deal. I think I've been keeping my desire to attach to her pushed under water for months, but in the last few weeks the need, the desire to feel something emotional about her has escaped from the depths and floated audaciously to the surface.
After 12 years of therapy with someone who I readily,desperately attached to and who ultimately left me through dying (a selfish spin on that fact I know but I'm talking about young parts of me here who only see it that way) I have been trying just as desperately to make no attachment at all to my current therapist. It has worked a bit. She's easy to get along with, very reliable, consistent and nonthreatening and not prone to push me into intimacy I can't cope with. All very helpful until 2 weeks ago when this need the size and consistency of a beach ball refused to remain pushed under water any longer and came flying out. It all started when we began talking about shame and i talked about repressed feelings that I had. There's a link I know between shame and my desire to need other people.
But with her it's as though i would only be happy if I was her only client, if I consumed her thoughts, if she found me the most interesting, the most intelligent, the most wonderful survivor she's ever come across. Arrgggh!! It makes me so angry that I feel like that. it's so stupid!! I have spent so much energy on pretending I don't feel those things, trying to hide them from her that actually the connection we have feels to me like we are no more connected than two pieces of paper laid on top of each other. One blast of air and they would separate and fall away. I don't feel safe, I don't feel held even though I'm sure she would like to offer those experiences to me - metaphorically of course. She once told me she wouldn't touch me and even that feels like a betrayal at the moment. Which leads me right back to angry again. When she said it I felt safe, now I feel betrayed by it? Why???
I hate this!! I hate this part of me that wants others to break the rules for me. A part of me that only believes she is worth something if she's treated as 'special'. It disgusts me because I know exactly where it comes from.
fucking hell - this all hurts.
Monday 30 July 2012
Friday 20 July 2012
Apparently Normal Personality (ANP) and Emotional Personality (EP)
I've been reading up on this theory by Nijenhuis over the last few weeks and find it quite fascinating. I expect there are lots of people out there that know more than me about it but for some reason reading about this theory - which as far as I can see is something that can be applied to people who suffer with all forms of dissociation from simple PTSD, through to complex PTSD, DDNOS and DID - has helped to move me forwards. It's another way of looking at things and I've found it helpful.
The main thrust of the theory appears to be (and this explanation is for the more complex conditions such as DID) that what I would refer to as the host personality is the Apparently Normal Personality (ANP) the part that is concerned withs survival particularly in relation to the external world. They suggest that someone can have a number of ANP's rather than just one and this is the part that feels very relevant to me. I do feel as though the face I show to the world and the person I am in relationships at work and with friends can be more than just my 'host' personality. I can be vastly different when reacting to others. Sometimes this feels like an integrated whole but not always. Sometimes it feels as though I am just adjusting to the people I am with and hiding what this theory would call Emotional Personalities (EP's). EP's are parts of the personality responsible for responding to threat and trauma and develop in relation to experiences. Usually the EP is hidden, not the face shown to the outer world, and might be based on a fight, flight, submit or appease instinct - whatever was the best form of self protection at the time of the trauma when the EP was formed. The ANP's are often phobic of the EP's and this resonates deeply for me. Having recently read 'Stranger in the Mirror' I was shocked to see how prevalent depersonalisation was and still is in my life. Life has got better for me generally - far less chaotic and emotionally volatile but one consequence of this is that my ability to dissociate has in some ways become stronger - as though I can hold myself above emotion for longer without it puncturing through. This theory has helped me to make sense of the place I find myself in now which is one where I don't willingly access painful emotions or memories.
One of the reasons I find this theory interesting is that I grew up in a very repressive household, so my experience of DID was almost entirely internal because I had to present an 'Apparantly Normal Personality' to the world in particular my parents who were very controlling and invasive which meant I had almost no 'emotional space' in which to express other parts of my personality. All my reactions to the abuse I was experiencing was hidden away from prying eyes (in case of mother) and threatening eyes (in case of step father). Although I believe my DID formed when I was about 4 through 7in many respects it was hidden until I reached my 20's and I extracted myself from my mothers' control. I've found that hard to accept over the years. I've also often wondered why I've been able to function better in the external world some of the time than at other times. ANP's for me have kept me afloat and have kept me living a fairly normal life. It's come at the expense of the EP's living underground so to speak. As they've surfaced my ANP's have had less of my life in their possession and to the external world I've seemed less well, less together and I've felt deep shame about that.
The theory talks about structural, parallel and tertiary dissociation - something I haven't fully grasped yet but I will keep working on it! But so far I understand that structural dissociation refers to having only two states - the ANP and one EP.
Parallel dissociation is when an ANP and an EP is present at the same time. I know I've often described my DID like being in a car and someone else joining me in the passenger seat. In that scenario I guess I would be the ANP and the passenger would be the EP. Both senses of self are existing at the same time. Again this resonates deeply with me as I can be aware that I am speaking and saying something that is perfectly true to some part of me but some other part is feeling vastly different. I can be aware of both parts at once.
Tertiary dissociation seems to be when there are multiple ANP's and multiple EP's which is probably a good description of DID.
This is all very theoretical but the reason it interests me is that I know my PTSD symptoms are very strong - phobias, avoidance, numbing etc are real issues in my life. I can also flit wildly between a desire to fight and a desire to flee. At other times I suspend myself with long periods spent alone, reading, watching TV that I've seen before, doing anything that is a repetitive task. I'm avoiding interacting with the world. I find it hard to pull out of these behaviours and only recently have seen them as a kind of freezing. Now I can think of them as an EP - a part of my personality that reacts by freezing to protect myself. Somehow that helps me, makes me ask what the threat is? I find freezing to be quite a soul destroying way of living. I want to be fighting and recognising the freezing as an EP helps me to challenge it, to help it and to move forward a little bit. I think it's interesting that different EP's have different systems of responding to stress. I don't know about you but I definitely have parts of me that fight constantly against every little thing - especially with those I'm closest too, but I also have the freezing self and I also have a number of alters that are very submissive and compliant. This seems weird - to have so many different responses - but the theory is suggesting that the EP is developed depending on what was the most sensible response at the time of the trauma. I know that some abuse I suffered demanding compliance /submission and even freezing was unacceptable at those times. I was required to be present, relaxed in my body (like a rag doll) and entirely submitted to the abusers. At others times freezing helped me, as did fleeing through dissociation. All responses and body states that still exist in me.
I guess this theory is a bit clinical - it talks about body states, systems etc and doesn't focus so much on the personalities of the EP's or different alters. I can't completely accept that - I know that alters have personalities and distinct characteristics that are more than just responses to trauma but what I do believe is that - at least in my system - the different characteristics are not the reason those alters developed. Trauma is the reason they developed, trauma is what is central to my alters. I find it helpful to think about my identity in this framework. I don't want to lose long periods of my life because I am triggered to avoid interacting with the world because of experiences I had 35 years ago. I want to be present and in my own life, not in suspended animation. In a rational sense I know the dangers of my childhood are not pressing in on me at every turn and yet my body and my reaction to my environment is still acting as though the abusers are just outside the door, or embodied in work colleagues, or lurking in a lift or in someone I pass on the street. My 'EP's' are still feeling this pain and my 'ANP's' are still trying to fit into a world where they are conditioned to please and accommodate others with little reference to their own needs which are all dissociated into the EP's.
Horrible, clinical language? well yes frankly it is but worth considering? Yes I think so.
This theory links DID and PTSD in a way that makes sense to me right now. I'm not sure it would always have appealed to me as a way of understanding myself but I don't believe one theory has all the answers. Different things help at different times and this has definately got my attention at the moment.
The main thrust of the theory appears to be (and this explanation is for the more complex conditions such as DID) that what I would refer to as the host personality is the Apparently Normal Personality (ANP) the part that is concerned withs survival particularly in relation to the external world. They suggest that someone can have a number of ANP's rather than just one and this is the part that feels very relevant to me. I do feel as though the face I show to the world and the person I am in relationships at work and with friends can be more than just my 'host' personality. I can be vastly different when reacting to others. Sometimes this feels like an integrated whole but not always. Sometimes it feels as though I am just adjusting to the people I am with and hiding what this theory would call Emotional Personalities (EP's). EP's are parts of the personality responsible for responding to threat and trauma and develop in relation to experiences. Usually the EP is hidden, not the face shown to the outer world, and might be based on a fight, flight, submit or appease instinct - whatever was the best form of self protection at the time of the trauma when the EP was formed. The ANP's are often phobic of the EP's and this resonates deeply for me. Having recently read 'Stranger in the Mirror' I was shocked to see how prevalent depersonalisation was and still is in my life. Life has got better for me generally - far less chaotic and emotionally volatile but one consequence of this is that my ability to dissociate has in some ways become stronger - as though I can hold myself above emotion for longer without it puncturing through. This theory has helped me to make sense of the place I find myself in now which is one where I don't willingly access painful emotions or memories.
One of the reasons I find this theory interesting is that I grew up in a very repressive household, so my experience of DID was almost entirely internal because I had to present an 'Apparantly Normal Personality' to the world in particular my parents who were very controlling and invasive which meant I had almost no 'emotional space' in which to express other parts of my personality. All my reactions to the abuse I was experiencing was hidden away from prying eyes (in case of mother) and threatening eyes (in case of step father). Although I believe my DID formed when I was about 4 through 7in many respects it was hidden until I reached my 20's and I extracted myself from my mothers' control. I've found that hard to accept over the years. I've also often wondered why I've been able to function better in the external world some of the time than at other times. ANP's for me have kept me afloat and have kept me living a fairly normal life. It's come at the expense of the EP's living underground so to speak. As they've surfaced my ANP's have had less of my life in their possession and to the external world I've seemed less well, less together and I've felt deep shame about that.
The theory talks about structural, parallel and tertiary dissociation - something I haven't fully grasped yet but I will keep working on it! But so far I understand that structural dissociation refers to having only two states - the ANP and one EP.
Parallel dissociation is when an ANP and an EP is present at the same time. I know I've often described my DID like being in a car and someone else joining me in the passenger seat. In that scenario I guess I would be the ANP and the passenger would be the EP. Both senses of self are existing at the same time. Again this resonates deeply with me as I can be aware that I am speaking and saying something that is perfectly true to some part of me but some other part is feeling vastly different. I can be aware of both parts at once.
Tertiary dissociation seems to be when there are multiple ANP's and multiple EP's which is probably a good description of DID.
This is all very theoretical but the reason it interests me is that I know my PTSD symptoms are very strong - phobias, avoidance, numbing etc are real issues in my life. I can also flit wildly between a desire to fight and a desire to flee. At other times I suspend myself with long periods spent alone, reading, watching TV that I've seen before, doing anything that is a repetitive task. I'm avoiding interacting with the world. I find it hard to pull out of these behaviours and only recently have seen them as a kind of freezing. Now I can think of them as an EP - a part of my personality that reacts by freezing to protect myself. Somehow that helps me, makes me ask what the threat is? I find freezing to be quite a soul destroying way of living. I want to be fighting and recognising the freezing as an EP helps me to challenge it, to help it and to move forward a little bit. I think it's interesting that different EP's have different systems of responding to stress. I don't know about you but I definitely have parts of me that fight constantly against every little thing - especially with those I'm closest too, but I also have the freezing self and I also have a number of alters that are very submissive and compliant. This seems weird - to have so many different responses - but the theory is suggesting that the EP is developed depending on what was the most sensible response at the time of the trauma. I know that some abuse I suffered demanding compliance /submission and even freezing was unacceptable at those times. I was required to be present, relaxed in my body (like a rag doll) and entirely submitted to the abusers. At others times freezing helped me, as did fleeing through dissociation. All responses and body states that still exist in me.
I guess this theory is a bit clinical - it talks about body states, systems etc and doesn't focus so much on the personalities of the EP's or different alters. I can't completely accept that - I know that alters have personalities and distinct characteristics that are more than just responses to trauma but what I do believe is that - at least in my system - the different characteristics are not the reason those alters developed. Trauma is the reason they developed, trauma is what is central to my alters. I find it helpful to think about my identity in this framework. I don't want to lose long periods of my life because I am triggered to avoid interacting with the world because of experiences I had 35 years ago. I want to be present and in my own life, not in suspended animation. In a rational sense I know the dangers of my childhood are not pressing in on me at every turn and yet my body and my reaction to my environment is still acting as though the abusers are just outside the door, or embodied in work colleagues, or lurking in a lift or in someone I pass on the street. My 'EP's' are still feeling this pain and my 'ANP's' are still trying to fit into a world where they are conditioned to please and accommodate others with little reference to their own needs which are all dissociated into the EP's.
Horrible, clinical language? well yes frankly it is but worth considering? Yes I think so.
This theory links DID and PTSD in a way that makes sense to me right now. I'm not sure it would always have appealed to me as a way of understanding myself but I don't believe one theory has all the answers. Different things help at different times and this has definately got my attention at the moment.
Monday 16 July 2012
dealing with criticism
I don't know how other people cope but something I have found almost impossible to cope with through my life is criticism. Even if it's delivered in a whisper I experience a foghorn and all the associated fear and dread that something as loud as a foghorn would bring. I literally tremble whilst feeling a white hot shame and begin to run through the circumstances that led to the criticism in minute detail, searching for a way out, a way for what they have said to me not to be true. It's as though someone else's bad opinion of me only confirms what I already know - that I am bad.
Yet I watch as my partner (who has her own problems with criticism) flies at anyone who criticises her, or reminds her in any way of a childhood that was filled with a sneering, jeering father and I'm jealous. She seems further evolved in dealing with it than I am. I don't particularly think her ways are ideal but at least she mounts a defence, an attack against the attacker. Her fight instinct kicks in.
I on the other hand have always submitted. If I was a castle under siege my drawbridge would be down and any old bugger let inside to castigate me to their hearts content whilst I make excuses for them or worse join in with them. It doesn't matter how much I deplore them; how little I respect them their criticism still cuts sharp enough to make me bleed. Sometimes quite literally as a part called CC surfaces to self harm.
I've had some difficulties at work lately with a colleague who feels 'dangerous' to me. I think she is jealous of the redeployment process I have been through - although why the hell anyone is jealous of me nearly loosing my job; being without any pay for 3 months due to extended sick leave and a new job with half the hours and half the pay remains impossible for me to understand- but there you have it. Her dissatisfaction with my position has led to her questioning me when ever she can about really quite personal things and going directly against any decisions or new processes I implement which are necessary in my new role. I know (from other people) that this also leads to her criticising me in meetings when I'm not there and unable to defend myself and I just generally feel anxious when I think about her - as I do about anyone who harbours hostility towards me.
Lately I've felt some changes inside me. More measured responses to situations that would usually have me spinning and it's fair to say that this work situ whilst sill affecting me isn't bothering me as much as it might once have. Internally I'm not beating myself up and agreeing with her. It's as though I can access enough of my history, can remember how bad it felt to have to admit I could no longer cope with my job as it was because of PTSD and DID and how terrifying it was to ask for help from my bosses.
Being able to remember my history is a big step forward. Amnesia has always been an issue in my life. I'm always co conscious, but can forget long passages of my past and particularly feelings that I've had. I can find it impossible to remember what I felt say 1 month ago even though at the time it was intense and consuming. The memory of the feelings is literally missing. A wall goes up and I can't get past it. People talk about alters having amnesic barriers and I relate to that idea. I can remember sometimes that something happened but the emotion is completely absent where as at another time is consumes me like a bush fire and for me this is one aspect of what it is like to have different alters present.
A good example of this was talking to my partner recently about my father. Earlier posts (hurricane reality) describe some of what has happened with my father and there are times when I'm swamped with hurt and rage about him. But as my partner talked about him her rage was immediately accessible, she was so angry with him and I sat there just listening to something that seemed to have nothing whatsoever to do with me.
I think this ability to dissociate from alters or sometimes just emotions is part of why I can't defend myself against criticism very well. With this incident at work it has taken me approximately 5 days to really feel my rage at the injustice of this colleague being jealous of me. The problem with a 5 day delay in feeling something is that if faced with direct confrontation it takes too long for me to find someone inside who can deal with it well. My first stance is to roll over and play dead and then try to forget it ever happened. This time I didn't exactly roll over and play dead, nor did I fight against her but I did manage to keep my drawbridge up and defend myself - not to her as there has been no direct confrontation - but within myself which at the end of the day is probably the most important thing.
It's taken me 3 days to write this - trying to capture how it is I actually feel but this is the best I can do for now.
Safe thoughts to anyone who is reading. Be great to hear from any of you.
Yet I watch as my partner (who has her own problems with criticism) flies at anyone who criticises her, or reminds her in any way of a childhood that was filled with a sneering, jeering father and I'm jealous. She seems further evolved in dealing with it than I am. I don't particularly think her ways are ideal but at least she mounts a defence, an attack against the attacker. Her fight instinct kicks in.
I on the other hand have always submitted. If I was a castle under siege my drawbridge would be down and any old bugger let inside to castigate me to their hearts content whilst I make excuses for them or worse join in with them. It doesn't matter how much I deplore them; how little I respect them their criticism still cuts sharp enough to make me bleed. Sometimes quite literally as a part called CC surfaces to self harm.
I've had some difficulties at work lately with a colleague who feels 'dangerous' to me. I think she is jealous of the redeployment process I have been through - although why the hell anyone is jealous of me nearly loosing my job; being without any pay for 3 months due to extended sick leave and a new job with half the hours and half the pay remains impossible for me to understand- but there you have it. Her dissatisfaction with my position has led to her questioning me when ever she can about really quite personal things and going directly against any decisions or new processes I implement which are necessary in my new role. I know (from other people) that this also leads to her criticising me in meetings when I'm not there and unable to defend myself and I just generally feel anxious when I think about her - as I do about anyone who harbours hostility towards me.
Lately I've felt some changes inside me. More measured responses to situations that would usually have me spinning and it's fair to say that this work situ whilst sill affecting me isn't bothering me as much as it might once have. Internally I'm not beating myself up and agreeing with her. It's as though I can access enough of my history, can remember how bad it felt to have to admit I could no longer cope with my job as it was because of PTSD and DID and how terrifying it was to ask for help from my bosses.
Being able to remember my history is a big step forward. Amnesia has always been an issue in my life. I'm always co conscious, but can forget long passages of my past and particularly feelings that I've had. I can find it impossible to remember what I felt say 1 month ago even though at the time it was intense and consuming. The memory of the feelings is literally missing. A wall goes up and I can't get past it. People talk about alters having amnesic barriers and I relate to that idea. I can remember sometimes that something happened but the emotion is completely absent where as at another time is consumes me like a bush fire and for me this is one aspect of what it is like to have different alters present.
A good example of this was talking to my partner recently about my father. Earlier posts (hurricane reality) describe some of what has happened with my father and there are times when I'm swamped with hurt and rage about him. But as my partner talked about him her rage was immediately accessible, she was so angry with him and I sat there just listening to something that seemed to have nothing whatsoever to do with me.
I think this ability to dissociate from alters or sometimes just emotions is part of why I can't defend myself against criticism very well. With this incident at work it has taken me approximately 5 days to really feel my rage at the injustice of this colleague being jealous of me. The problem with a 5 day delay in feeling something is that if faced with direct confrontation it takes too long for me to find someone inside who can deal with it well. My first stance is to roll over and play dead and then try to forget it ever happened. This time I didn't exactly roll over and play dead, nor did I fight against her but I did manage to keep my drawbridge up and defend myself - not to her as there has been no direct confrontation - but within myself which at the end of the day is probably the most important thing.
It's taken me 3 days to write this - trying to capture how it is I actually feel but this is the best I can do for now.
Safe thoughts to anyone who is reading. Be great to hear from any of you.
Wednesday 11 July 2012
Integration. A dirty word?
I’ve been struggling with this subject for months now. Maybe it’s part of why I’ve been quiet on her lately. I feel caught between the security and comfort of recognising I have DID and the chilly internal acknowledgement that years of therapy are leading me slowly towards a more 'integrated' self.
On one hand it makes me feel happy – I’ve been in therapy for 17 years now. 12 years with a therapist who didn’t fully recognise my DID although still helped me enormously, followed by 2 years of trying to survive alone, followed by 3 years of therapy with someone who has consistently affirmed my DID and worked with many of my different alters who had been badly neglected. Never, in those 3 years has she pressed the idea of integration onto me. She made it clear from the beginning that she wasn’t interested in changing the structure of my identity and I appreciated the chance to go at my own pace.
What has happened seems somewhat remarkable to me. Quietly and without anything being said certain alters who have needed and appreciated acknowledgement validation have moved closer and closer to my host personality. They haven’t disappeared but the gaps – by which I mean amnesia and oceans of emotional pain and conflict between me and them - have closed. Their experiences are fully in my consciousness. The way I live gives (mostly) full reference to their needs and experiences and they are not separate in the way that they once were. I have moved from a state of ‘co-cosciousness’ to something more like ‘co-habiting’. Not only are we conscious of each other but we share a life, a space. There’s arguments, struggles sometimes but mostly we are simply one. I notice it most by the absence of internal dialogue. We are sharing our consciousness.
The downside of this is that I feel dislocated from the DID community. Unable on the whole to share this part of my story, my existence for fear of upsetting others who are quite legitimately fighting to be acknowledged as having alters. I don't want to cause extra pain to anybody but I find it hard to say ' this is what's going on for me' though I long for affirmation too. I can relate no better to others who don’t have DID now than i could before. My history is still wildly different to theirs and on the whole I would still identify with having DID. It is part of my identity and one of the most affecting and fundamental part of me (or my selves). I can only quantify that by saying I feel less DID than I did. Less fragmented, less in crisis whilst diametrically opposed alters fight for space. Less dislocated and more on an even keel. More stitched together than separate. I'm journeying through it and the space I'm in now is different to the place i was in 3 years ago.
There are still alters – I don’t mean to paint a sugary picture of niceness. I have alters that are in pain and that hold memories I find hard to bear, alters that are obsessive and afraid to death of dirt and disorder, alters who are rammed full of rage. It would be disingenuous to say that is not the case but for 17 years I've been striving to move forward - not always that sure of where I was going but knowing that once I got there I'd recognise it. Finally it's happening. Life is a little bit easier, switches occur a lot less often, I'm less afraid of the world, less likely to hurt myself, more able to plan and less tormented with nightmares. How can I help but be happy about that?
But I’m sad that I can’t easily share it with those who I feel are my community, who I will no doubt need many times in the future and who I want to be there for too.
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