dealing with criticism

I don't know how other people cope but something I have found almost impossible to cope with through my life is criticism.  Even if it's delivered in a whisper I experience a foghorn and all the associated fear and dread that something as loud as a foghorn would bring. I literally tremble whilst feeling a white hot shame and begin to run through the circumstances that led to the criticism in minute detail, searching for a way out, a way for what they  have said to me not to be true.  It's as though someone else's bad opinion of me only confirms what I already know - that I am bad.

Yet I watch as my partner (who has her own problems with criticism) flies at anyone who criticises her, or reminds her in any way of a childhood that was filled with a sneering, jeering father and I'm jealous. She seems further evolved in dealing with it than I am.  I don't particularly think her ways are ideal but  at least she mounts a defence, an attack against the attacker. Her fight instinct kicks in.

I on the other hand have always submitted. If I was a castle under siege my drawbridge would be  down and any old bugger let inside to castigate me to their hearts content whilst I make excuses for them or worse join in with them. It doesn't matter how much I deplore them; how little I respect them their criticism still cuts sharp enough to make me bleed. Sometimes quite literally as a part called CC surfaces to self harm.

I've had some difficulties at work lately with a colleague who feels 'dangerous' to me. I think she is jealous of the redeployment process I have been through - although why the hell anyone is jealous of me nearly loosing my job; being without any pay for 3 months due to extended sick leave and a new job with half the hours and half the pay remains impossible for me to understand- but there you have it. Her dissatisfaction with my position has led to her questioning me when ever she can about really quite personal things and going directly against any decisions or new processes I implement which are necessary in my new role.  I know (from other people) that this also leads to her criticising me  in meetings when I'm not there and unable to defend myself and I just generally feel anxious when I think about her - as I do about anyone who harbours hostility towards me.

Lately I've felt some changes inside me. More measured responses to situations that would usually have me spinning and it's fair to say that this work situ whilst sill affecting me isn't bothering me as much as it might once have.  Internally I'm not beating myself up and agreeing with her. It's as though I can access enough of my history, can remember how bad it felt to have to admit I could no longer cope with my job as it was because of PTSD and DID and how terrifying it was to ask for help from my bosses.

Being able to remember my history is a big step forward. Amnesia has always been an issue in my life. I'm always co conscious, but can forget long passages of my past and particularly feelings that I've had. I can find it impossible to remember what I felt say 1 month ago even though at the time it was intense and consuming.  The memory of the feelings is literally missing. A wall goes up and I can't get past it. People talk about alters having amnesic barriers and I relate to that idea. I can remember sometimes that something happened but the emotion is completely absent where as at another time is consumes me like a bush fire and for me this is one aspect of what it is like to have different alters present.

A good example of this was talking to my partner recently about my father. Earlier posts (hurricane reality) describe some of what has happened with my father and there are times when I'm swamped with hurt and rage about him. But as my partner talked about him her rage was immediately accessible, she was so angry with him and I sat there just listening to something that seemed to have nothing whatsoever to do with me.

I think this ability to dissociate from alters or sometimes just emotions is part of why I can't defend myself against criticism very well. With this incident at work it has taken me approximately 5 days to really feel my rage at the injustice of this colleague being jealous of me. The problem with a 5 day delay in feeling something is that if faced with direct confrontation it takes too long for me to find someone inside who can deal with it well.  My first stance is to roll over and play dead and then try to forget it ever happened.  This time I didn't exactly roll over and play dead, nor did I fight against her  but I did manage to keep my drawbridge up and defend myself - not to her as there has been no direct confrontation - but within  myself which at the end of the day is probably the most important thing.

It's taken me 3 days to write this - trying to capture how it is I actually feel but this is the best I can do for now.

Safe thoughts to anyone who is reading. Be great to hear from any of you.