Apparently Normal Personality (ANP) and Emotional Personality (EP)

I've been reading up on this theory by Nijenhuis over the last few weeks and find it quite fascinating. I expect there are lots of people out there that know more than me about it but for some reason reading about this theory - which as far as I can see is something that can be applied to people who suffer with all forms of dissociation from simple PTSD, through to complex PTSD, DDNOS and DID - has helped to move me forwards. It's another way of looking at things and I've found it helpful.

The main thrust of the theory appears to be (and this explanation is for the more complex conditions such as DID) that what I would refer to as the host personality is the Apparently Normal Personality (ANP) the part that is concerned withs survival particularly in relation to the external world.  They suggest that someone can have a number of ANP's rather than just one and this is the part that feels very relevant to me. I do feel as though the face I show to the world and the person I am in relationships at work and with friends can be more than just my 'host' personality.  I can be vastly different when reacting to others.  Sometimes this feels like an integrated whole but not always. Sometimes it feels as though I am just adjusting to the people I am with and hiding what this theory would call Emotional Personalities (EP's). EP's are parts of the personality responsible for responding to threat and trauma and develop in relation to experiences. Usually the EP is hidden, not the face shown to the outer world, and might be based on a fight, flight, submit or appease instinct - whatever was the best form of self protection at the time of the trauma when the EP was formed. The ANP's are often phobic of the EP's and this resonates deeply for me. Having recently read 'Stranger in the Mirror' I was shocked to see how prevalent depersonalisation was and still is in my life. Life has got better for me generally - far less chaotic and emotionally volatile but one consequence of this is that my ability to dissociate has in some ways become stronger - as though I can hold myself above emotion for longer without it puncturing through. This theory has helped me to make sense of the place I find myself in now which is one where I don't willingly access painful emotions or memories.

One of the reasons I find this theory interesting is that I grew up in a very repressive household, so my experience of DID was almost entirely internal because I had to present an 'Apparantly Normal Personality' to the world in particular my parents who were very controlling and invasive which meant I had almost no 'emotional space' in which to express other parts of my personality. All my reactions to the abuse I was experiencing was hidden away from prying eyes (in case of mother) and threatening eyes (in case of step father).  Although I believe my DID formed when I was about 4 through 7in many respects it was hidden until I reached my 20's and I extracted myself from my mothers' control.  I've found that hard to accept over the years. I've also often wondered why I've been able to function better in the external world some of the time than at other times. ANP's for me have kept me afloat and have kept me living a fairly normal life. It's come at the expense of the EP's living underground so to speak. As they've surfaced my ANP's have had less of my life in their possession and to the external world I've seemed less well, less together and I've felt deep shame about that.

The theory talks about structural, parallel and tertiary dissociation - something I haven't fully grasped yet but I will keep working on it! But so far I understand that structural dissociation refers to having only two states - the ANP and one EP.

Parallel dissociation is when an ANP and an EP is present at the same time. I know I've often described my DID like being in a car and someone else joining me in the passenger seat. In that scenario I guess I would be the ANP and the passenger would be the EP. Both senses of self are existing at the same time. Again this resonates deeply with me as I can be aware that I am speaking and saying something that is perfectly true to some part of me but some other part is feeling vastly different. I can be aware of both parts at once.

Tertiary dissociation seems to be when there are multiple ANP's and multiple EP's which is probably a good description of DID.

This is all very theoretical but the reason it interests me is that I know my PTSD symptoms are very strong - phobias, avoidance, numbing etc are real issues in my life.  I can also flit wildly between a desire to fight and a desire to flee. At other times I suspend myself with long periods spent alone, reading, watching TV that I've seen before, doing anything that is a repetitive task. I'm avoiding interacting with the world. I find it hard to pull out of these behaviours and only recently have seen them as a kind of freezing. Now I can think of them as an EP - a part of my personality that reacts by freezing to protect myself. Somehow that helps me, makes me ask what the threat is? I find freezing to be quite a soul destroying way of living. I want to be fighting and recognising the freezing as an EP helps me to challenge it, to help it and to move forward a little bit.  I think it's interesting that different EP's have different systems of responding to stress. I don't know about you but I definitely have parts of me that fight constantly against every little thing - especially with those I'm closest too, but I also have the freezing self and I also have a number of alters that are very submissive and compliant. This seems weird - to have so many different responses - but the theory is suggesting that the EP is developed depending on what was the most sensible response at the time of the trauma. I know that some abuse I suffered demanding compliance /submission and even freezing was unacceptable at those times. I was required to be present, relaxed in my body (like a rag doll) and entirely submitted to the abusers.  At others times freezing helped me, as did fleeing through dissociation. All responses and body states that still exist in me.

I guess this theory is a bit clinical - it talks about body states, systems etc and doesn't focus so much on the personalities of the EP's or different alters.  I can't completely accept that - I know that alters have personalities and distinct characteristics that are more than just responses to trauma but what I do believe is that - at least in my system - the different characteristics are not the reason those alters developed. Trauma is the reason they developed, trauma is what is central to my alters. I find it helpful to think about my identity in this framework. I don't want to lose long periods of my life because I am triggered to avoid interacting with the world because of experiences I had 35 years ago. I want to be present and in my own life, not in suspended animation.  In a rational sense I know the dangers of my childhood are not pressing in on me at every turn and yet my body and my reaction to my environment is still acting as though the abusers are just outside the door, or embodied in work colleagues, or lurking in a lift or in someone I pass on the street. My 'EP's' are still feeling this pain and my 'ANP's' are still trying to fit into a world where they are conditioned to please and accommodate others with little reference to their own needs which are all dissociated into the EP's.

Horrible, clinical language? well yes frankly it is but worth considering? Yes I think so.

This theory links DID and PTSD in a way that makes sense to me right now. I'm not sure it would always have appealed to me as a way of understanding myself but I don't  believe one theory has all the answers. Different things help at different times and this has definately got my attention at the moment.