Being Silenced

I don't know if this is just me or if most people with DID and a history of sexual abuse feel like this but I have days, weeks even when I feel unable to move and unable to speak. It's as though any movement at all feels too risky. I don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to blog, don't want to interact on any level, I just want to sit and do predictable things like eating the same food, watching repeats on the telly, reading the same books. I just want to escape  the world and stop it from moving because I can't keep up and if I can't keep up I can't stay safe.

I'm sure some of it is to do with Someone and other very young parts of me who's senses were overloaded and overwhelmed.  She shuts me down, prevents me from speaking or causing any ripples at all just in case there is a bad reaction from others, just in case she reactivates the abuse. It all went so horribly wrong for her. She did things she thought were right and they weren't. She did what they wanted her to do (the abusers) because she thought it would keep her safe but it wasn't safe, it was terrible.

In a way blogging is anonymous - just a voice into a big space which might be empty or might not be. I worry of course about the people who might read it and discredit me for daring to assert that I have DID but I also fear the people who might read it and hear me, who might connect in some way with my reality.

It is as hard to be heard as it is not to be heard.  I'm living with these two extremes and when i write I feel like I'm doing it through a fog but when i don't write I feel alone and silenced.

I can't bear to be silenced anymore - to be apologetic about myselves and who i am.  But oh my god the pain of pushing on and writing when i feel so dead inside is really, really hard as well.

None of it's easy - life with DID can be really, really shit!!