It's now February and still I'm reeling from the onslaught of reality I had to face in 2011.
This time last year I was off sick with - well I don't know what with really. Depression never seemed the right word, anxiety; whilst a reasonable description of what I was feeling whilst at work didn't adequately describe what it is like for work to be causing flashbacks and terror in child parts who were ill equipped to cope with the adult demands of my job. In the end my sick notes ranged from depression to anxiety to PTSD, but whatever the label what I was actually facing was that I could no longer deal with Safeguarding issues in my job and if i couldn't do that was there even a job for me?
In the end there was half a job - I was redeployed at about the time my partner lost her contract and we went into financial meltdown. It hasn't really turned a corner yet and I'm faced with the reality that what happened to me in the first 18 years of my life may never stop effecting my work life, or my capacity to earn money and enjoy a secure life. I hate the constant worry, the constant reminder that I was abused to such a degree that it stops me from working as much as I really feel I should. The loss I felt was so severe when I learnt they would only employ me for half a week that I still haven't got over it. I don't know what the future holds for me but I do know that I'm living with my eyes open to the truth of my life and I really don't like it. I just feel bereft, a victim who can't fight back hard enough to save herself. It feels like they ( my abusers) have won a victory over me and I can't stand it!
Then later in the year my Father ( who I didn't live with as a child) wrote to tell me that I was hurting everybody in the family because I won't pretend i wasn't abused, that I was terrible at my job, mentally ill and that my accusations against my abusers were a manifestation of my illness (DID). He also threatened to go to the police and tell them all the things I had told him about my experiences unless I agreed to go in the next 2 weeks and do it myself to prove to the family that I wasn't just making it all up. He did all this - as far as I can see- because my step brother (who is the son of my step father/ abuser) was upset by my allegations and how I had branded his father ,who is now dead, as a paedophile. The worst thing was that I haven't had contact with any of my family (except him) for probably 3,4 years. I wasn't doing anything except trying to get by on my own, to survive.
As i write that I feel quite adult and see it as almost ludicrous but in reality it was a bit like having my head rammed against a wall repeatedly. It's 4 months now since he did it and some days the pain of it is unbearable. I (or someone much younger than me) sits on the floor and cries wondering why he wants to be so cruel to me. For about a year he was with me, on my side but when he turned he included all my family in listing how I had hurt them, let them down in ways he could only have known by talking to them about me. With that one letter I felt I had become a true orphan. In reality I already was one but now I have it in black and white.
2011 was a shit, shit year in my life and now in February 2012 I'm still trying to accept it all, to stop fighting battles I can't win and it hurts, everyday it hurts.
I don't understand why your natural father would a) think he has any right to tell you anything about what you should or shouldn't be doing and b) take sides with people who aren't even his family without having any evidence. What was his motive? That must be really painful for you to be betrayed like that.
ReplyDeleteHi Candycan. Thanks for your comment. I just re read my post and realise one part I didn't mention is that my father raised my step father's children because he married my step father's ex wife. His step son is upset by my 'allegations' (as they call it - just truth to me) and so I think that is why he is siding against me. He doesn't like seeing his step son hurt and feels if he can make me admit I am ill or if the police fail to take forward me case (which I'm sure they would given the time lapse and the fact that my step father is dead) it will mean I am just a liar and it will all go away. I just feel so scapegoated and like you say betrayed and I suppose innocent - it's so painful to be punished for what other people did to me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and commenting!
ARchie
Dear Archie,
ReplyDeleteI feel so upset for you. I wish I could help.
I escaped from my abuser and the county when I left for university. I scraped some grades to go but I shouldn't have, I sank into bad relationships, isolation, and drugs and alcohol. University is the only option for a lot of people whose family deny the situation, what happens when you arrive is another story. Denial is such a forceful act. Acceptance holds such power. I told my mother in 2000/1 I can't quite remember. I then insisted on telling my brother and exteneded family on my mothers side and my last remaining relative of my fathers. I got undemonstarative platitudes or quips like 'well that explains alot' or even been told that 'everyone suffers from secrets' by a realtive who was bullied in her private girls school because of the holidays her fathers privelage afforded her?!!
Is compassion nauseating??? Because there doesn't seem to be much of it about....
Anyway, what I wanted to say...was that I reliased trying with my family was useless. Like a Greek game of musical chairs, never ending and with an illusionary space to sit!
They don't WANT it to be true, it's not a case of persuasion. They are doing what you HAD to do and are creating a mental block so they don't have to investigate there own culpability or guilt etc.
I feel sorry for my Mum in a way. We never speak the truth to each other. She has lost me because the security she has built herself depends on leaving the lid on it. She may have other things but I have backbone and integrity.
Take care of yourself...
Springer XX
Hi Springer
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your comment - and reading the blog. You are absolotely right of course - they don't want it to be true and therefore do everything they can to distance themselves from it. My father was my last attempt at family really. I was already alienated from my mother and brother- they know what happened and not just because I told them but they chose to live a different way. My brother I can feel some compassion for but my parents I just hate -passionately. Words run out.
My mother was very controllilng and whilst I really should have gone to uni i didn't because of her so mye scape came through marriage that was never going to work. I can really understand though how thinks at uni turned out for you. I'm sure that would have happened to me had i gone.
It's good to have people that understand these expereinces without having to keep explaining and without getting back platitudes (as you describe!) I've had some real shit said to me - once someone told my sexual abuse was spiritual attack! Well it did attack my spirit I suppose but it felt pretty phsyical to me..
Archie